An El Refugio moment...

Photo taken April 12, 2005 at El Refugio. Butter (center) being checked out by a young female mother dog during a photo session with Gladys Knight (on left, partially out of picture.)

Hi Ms. Trishna...,

I was just sitting here, and happened to browse to the El Refugio site, and slowly looked over the pictures of the dogs, both listed for adoption, and as having been adopted, or otherwise no longer with the sanctuary. The Baja themed track, "In The Hearts Mind" also just happened to come on...as I looked at pictures of Gandhi, and I thought of her as I looked at her sister, Elizabeth, here next to me. Gandhi looked a bit dusty, a bit dull coated... patches of bare skin showing on her body below her front leg. She looked sweet in this picture, and I remembered that little puppy hunched over in sickness last April, that look in her eyes which spoke of sadness, and a desire to still live, and be with "family." I thought of my weeks spent there last spring, and the photos I took. There was one telling shot of Ghandi the day before it was obvious she was really sick, and you and I quarantined her the next day. In the shot, she looked drained, and certainly not showing any typical puppy vitality. These memories, and the El Refugio picture of her, probably taken while you were still down there sometime in August really brought me to a halt. Damn... I want to rescue that girl.

Then, there was Luna, so sweet, so lonely, so devoted... so much needing to be with someone who will love her, and free her from the dominance she has to endure from the pack at the ranch. My regrets filled me as I thought of how many times I had rejected her when I was there... and all I can think of at the moment is making it up to her, making things right... somehow.

I looked at other pictures, many of dogs I didn't know, many I did. Princess Lea, still as beautiful as ever. As I checked out the pictures of former adoptive dogs, I saw Noble's picture, and clicked on it... almost expecting something bad. And, so it was. All the note said was, "Sad news... Noble ran away." After thinking for awhile about what a dog would have to go through on his own out there in that desert, and muttering under my breath, "...damn you, Noble! Why? Where did you have to go so badly? I just hope you're making it, big guy... I just hope...," I continued on down the list, dreading the moment when Conejo's image would scroll into view. I clicked on his picture, of course knowing what it would say, but somehow imagining that maybe the words would be different - allowing myself to dream for a minute. Well, we know that wasn't the case, and there were those few words which spoke of the death of our dear, dear canine friend, the noble and kind Conejo. I stared at his picture, not a really good one, but since I hadn't taken the time to document this dog for some ungodly reason, it was all I had. Nonetheless, as I looked at him on my screen, I could once again feel the large ears and see his beautiful soft brown eyes as I held his head, and hugged him. I always expected him to just be there... to wait until the day, whenever that would be... when I would come and take him with me...

I still notice the picture of some other pup under Butter's name.... poor Butter, somehow lost in the shuffle, fell through the cracks. Her real picture doesn't ever show up, so it leads me to think she's not at the refuge. Whatever happened to her? And the Supremes? It shows Bosco as being adopted, but no details. I know as I peruse all the pictures I know much has changed in what is now well over 3/4 of a year since I was there. Still, it makes me sad. I can still feel the concrete floor of the palapa beneath my bare feet, smell the clorox of the laundry, hear the rickety washing machine, see the hummingbirds flitting around the nopales cactus blossoms by the casita patio, see a Supreme splashing in the plastic water bowl, Minnie and Tiki chasing each other in the dusty surroundings of our little place, often joined by visiting puppies and adult dogs. I see Nandi guarding point, voicing her approval or disapproval of any and all other doggie visitors, ultimately relenting and finding her will to play... with Sandy, Lobo, and in the end Luna.

The nature of the place still, in the end, gets to me. Part of me just wants to be there. Simple as that. The thing is, Trisha, I want to be there... with you... because I think at the end of every day, I would want to settle down with you, and just be close... and watch the moonrise over the Sierra de la Laguna.

So much more comes to mind, but I'll just let it all ease on for another time...

I love you,
-phil